Friday Fast 5

1. I stopped by H&M the last time I was at the mall. In my younger years, I liked H&M. Maybe it was because my first introduction to the store was during a New York trip in high school. At the time, H&M was a European import store, only found in major cities. Then they expanded to malls, and they are fairly common stores now. Anyways, back in the day I loved that store. It was hip, the clothes were cute and cheap. But now, not so much. Maybe it's because I am willing to spend a little more on my clothes now for better quality, or maybe it's because I'm a pickier shopper, or maybe it's because I'm an adult now. Everything in there is just so cheap, and I can't help but wonder if after like 5 washes it will look like a piece of junk.
2. I stopped in another store I went to in my teen years: Hot Topic. In high school, as I started to create my own weird style, I definitely dived into the punk attire. Plus Hot Topic was my store where I found all of my sarcastic buttons. I don't really resemble their main target customer anymore (that day I was wearing a striped fitted shirt, skinny jeans, and floral Nikes), but I ducked in there to check out the t-shirt walls. I was greeted by a worker wearing blue lipstick. It was kind of nice.
3. This week I took a self-imposed hiatus from my iPad. I just felt like I was on my phone and iPad too much lately. I turned it off on Monday morning. At first, I took note of the times I would have usually reached for my iPad (especially when I did my vest) but fortunately I didn't feel any withdrawal issues not using it. It hasn't been that bad, honestly. 
4. I've cut myself twice in the past two months, which is more than I have in the past ten years. Ugh!
5. Does anyone else find it hard to concentrate when reading a book? My friend and I were talking about this the other night. As kids, we both were able to read for hours (her even more so than me) but now, we're lucky to make it a few pages without losing focus, thinking about all the stuff we need to do soon, or dozing off. I'll probably expand on this in another post of its own, but I'm wondering if others have this problem too?

Favorite short of the day

I found this video and wanted to share. It's a sweet little animated short. I won't preface it too much, other than it brings up some great questions to ponder. What does work/life balance mean? Where do creatives fall in a world that isn't built for them? How do you keep that creative spark alive while still being a responsible adult? How do we unknowingly foster, or squash, creativity in children?

Enjoy! And don't forget to stop and smell the roses, appreciate the art and beauty around you, and thank the artsy weirdos in the world who strive to keep it that way!

(If video does not show up in the email, click on the blog title to see it.)

Friday Fast 5

Five quick things!

1. During my weekday mornings, I used to make a point to watch CBS This Morning. But for at least the past month now, I don't even turn the TV on in the morning anymore. And I gotta say, I'm not missing it. I used to enjoy watching Charlie Rose and the rest of the hosts, but now I'm perfectly good not even watching. 
2. I decided to try a few of those Naked juices... in efforts to, I don't know, pretend I'm being a little healthier? But like all fruit juices, they are packed with sugar, so in reality they're not that healthy. And I'm pretty sure the company has been sued for false advertising by making their product look and sound extra healthy, when it's got like twice the daily recommended limit of sugar. 
3. Spring officially started. I'm happy about that and also not, since my allergies really bog me down. I can't spend any bit of time outside otherwise I pay for it by coughing all night long so... yeah. Boo. I gotta stay cooped up in the house like a hermit to survive the season.
4. I just finished the book Scent of the Missing, a book about search and rescue dogs. What a great book! If you are a dog lover, like me, I highly recommend this one. Finally, a dog book that isn't an emotional roller coaster that makes you cry! (I'm looking at you A Dog's Purpose...) It's quite fascinating to learn about everything that goes into the finds, training the dogs, and what sorts of jobs these dogs are called to do. If you are interested and live near, I can lend you my copy.
5. I have started to be very picky about the content I consume. I love books, movies, good tv dramas, and podcasts, but fitting any of that into my life has become a bit of a contest. What do I listen to first? Would I rather watch an episode of this show or read a chapter in my book? So I have decided to be much more picky about what I watch, read, and listen to. I used to always, always want to finish every book I read, or every movie. I am finally at a point in my life where I am okay with not finishing something. I know, it sounds silly, but it was a hard self-imposed stigma to overcome. I have wasted too much of my time on shows and books that were not enjoyable. I guess there was always something about actually finishing it, learning the ending, feeling accomplished. But why continue to read a book that isn't enjoyable? If you dread reading it, why not just put it down and move onto something else? I've kind of created a rule for myself regarding TV shows which is: If I am not hooked onto the plot by the 5th episode, I bail. I'm sorry but if it takes that long for a TV show to develop a plot or characters, it is not worth my time. And if I'm just not interested, that's fine too; we all have different tastes and what might be "The best show ever" for someone might just not do it for me, and that's fine. Moving on, DNF.

Friday Fast 5

1. I'm so glad those storms on Tuesday didn't amount to much. They kept saying they would likely be severe, and a few places did have some devastating tornadoes, but it missed us. Thank goodness. Josie still woke up once the storm was almost here. I swear, she can feel the air pressure change or something because when it is supposed to storm, she tends to act funny, sometimes a whole day in advance. She did better this time, though, and didn't pee anywhere in the house when she was scared. So that was improvement!
2. I started 2017 off by reading Better Than Before, by Gretchen Rubin, who studies habits and habit formation and how they can help us live happier, better lives. One habit she really believes in is setting a bedtime for yourself. We all have one as kids, but most of us don't have one as adults. I decided to give it a shot, and I made a concerted effort to be in bed by 10:30 during weekdays. Obviously, my nighttime routine is a little different than most. Depending on what we're doing, I may or may not get to bed late because I need to do my vest for 30 minutes, then sometimes an extra neb after it that will take 4-10 minutes. The point is: it takes some planning ahead. Well, more and more lately I've actually been meeting my goal. And most nights this week, I was in bed well ahead of 10:30. It seems to be a little easier for me to fall asleep, but I'm not sure if I'm actually getting more sleep because now I'm having trouble sleeping past 5am. I'm also finding I get tired earlier, which kind of sucks. So yeah... not sure how this is going to pan out for me. I 'feel' good about myself for going to bed earlier, but I'd honestly rather stay up a little later than wake up a little earlier. 
3. I have had Bone Thugs-N-Harmony's song "The Crossroads" stuck in my head for 3 straight days now. It's getting a bit old...
4. Lent really snuck up on me this year (side note: apparently "snuck" is not a word. But to say it sneaked up on me just sounds really weird...) Anyone else? I had no idea what to do for Lent until Wednesday afternoon. 
5. A new season of Survivor starts next week!

Friday Fast 5

Five quick things...

1. We've rediscovered hot tea in this house. Coffee in the morning, hot tea in the evening to wind down. It's quite nice and usually easy to do since so many varieties (or, varie-teas, hahahaha) are caffeine free. For the longest time I stopped drinking hot tea because I ended up preferring coffee over tea in the mornings, but this is an easy way to have both. It sounds obvious, but for some reason I never really thought about it before. I also bought a sampler of tea so we could try some different flavors; I didn't really want to buy a full box of 20 and then find out we hate it. So far we've tried about 4 of 20. 
2. Allergies are starting up already... wonderful. I actually noticed a visible layer of pollen on my car yesterday, and I've started coughing more at night. I took a walk with Josie yesterday, and it was great, and the weather was so nice. But I paid for it later. Yay...
3. Jarrod and I finally got to check out the Washington Coffee Shop a couple Saturdays back. Since I couldn't have caffeine while I was on meds, and also while I was on meds back during December, we never made it around to the new place until last week. It's a great addition to Washington! I love what they've done with the space, it's comfortable and easy to get to. 
4. I bought 'normal' eggs from Walmart the other day... not doing that again. A few years ago, I started paying more attention to the chicken industry. I learned about the conditions factory chickens live in, especially egg layers. It bothered me. I started paying more for my eggs, paying for ones that came from reputable farms that let their chickens truly have "free range" and live happy chicken lives. The proof was visible, these eggs had much more yellow yolks, almost orange sometimes, due to the rich diet of bugs, worms, and everything else chickens normally eat. I'd say we eat a good amount of eggs here. We frequently cook breakfast on the weekends or for dinner during the week, and these eggs tasted better! Who knew? Well, the other day for whatever reason, I decided to buy the Great Value cage free eggs. The yolks are so pale, I forgot that's how they looked. And they are flavorless! The scrambled eggs I made tasted so bland. Bleh.
5. Speaking of California, Sunday are the Oscars! I always watch them, though I admit watching it without a DVR to play/pause the show is much less enjoyable. They're just soooooo stinkin' long, and I don't always care about the acceptance speeches. I have a hunch that viewership will be down, simply because many people don't want to hear about politics anymore, and every awards show is always speckled with politics to some degree. Artists, for decades, tend to lean to the liberal side, and typically have "liberal" causes they are passionate about. This is nothing new, neither is speaking out for causes which actors believe in, it's just that everyone is incensed over it even more right now. But I really do hope the politics is kept to a minimum Sunday night, not because it upsets me as in How dare they say something opposing to my view of the world! but simply because I think all of us are dying to not hear/read/think about political commentary 24/7.

A Dying Mall In America

I'd say Chesterfield Mall is on its last months, I'd expect that it will be closed by the end of the year.

I went there on Thursday... and what a depressing sight it was.

I knew the place was in foreclosure, with another company trying to buy it, but I didn't know it was that bad. In the time since I was last there, which was probably sometime in the fall, I'd venture to guess that at least 60% of the stores have closed. Store after store after store was gated off or boarded up. Even one of the anchors, Dillard's, had closed it's doors and left.

I remember how I felt the very last time I ever walked through Crestwood Mall. That mall was "my mall," the one we went to most often. The last time I went to it I felt a mix of sadness and disbelief, as in How could this suddenly get this bad? And that is the same way I felt yesterday in what might be my last time going to Chesterfield Mall. It's just so depressing.

I walked in and headed to Auntie Anne's for a pretzel. With nothing to look up at, since so many of the store signs are missing, you look down. You notice the floor tiles are cracked everywhere. Has it always been like this? The carousel creaks to life for one lonely child and parent. Everywhere you look, workers are sitting down, bored out of their minds. Store counters are unattended until someone actually wanders in the store. The cooks at restaurants sit around in booths staring at their phones.

When I got to Auntie Anne's, there was no one there; no one at the register, no one making pretzels. It kind of looked like there was a guy in the back watching TV, but by then I had decided I wasn't going to pay $4 for a pretzel that had likely been sitting there for hours. I turned around and took the escalator back up. What used to be a kids play area next to it was a barren floor, the escalator showed its age and made cranking sounds I've never really noticed before. I wandered in one store, but by then I was no longer in any mood to shop.

I can get frustrated with crowds, but I realized that part of the enjoyment (and surely part of the marketing strategy) of a mall is the hustle and bustle. When there is a good mix of people and talking and activity, it pushes you to keep walking and shopping. When you can walk across the entire mall and maybe encounter 50 people, and it's practically silent save for the loudspeaker music, it doesn't inspire you to do anything except walk right back out the door and go somewhere else that feels, I don't know... alive? And as I pointed out, you start to notice all the bad things, like the cranky escalator that would usually be drowned out by people, and the lack of people is emphasized even more.

I feel like it should have been obvious that constructing two outlet malls right down the road would be the doom of that place, but somehow other people felt differently. Outlet malls have evolved over the years, with some stores selling the same things they'd sell in a typical mall, and others selling different merchandise but still quality and nothing wrong with it. They're not quite the 'last year's trends' or 'small defects' stores with discounts beyond belief that they used to be.


It was a sad experience. I don't know that I'll go back either because... what's the point? And say what you will about consumerism, it's still sad and unfortunate when a mall has to close; jobs are lost, the potential tax revenue is gone. Now granted, this is Chesterfield, and I'm pretty confident that Chesterfield is going to be just fine, but still. Warren County lost a huge source of revenue when their outlet mall closed. I mean, when was the last time someone asked you if you wanted to go to Warrenton?

It'll be interesting to see if they're able to do something with the space, like for offices or housing or something creative, or if in the end it will get torn down like Crestwood. It's a good location for something, but what that something is remains to be seen. It won't be a mall, that's for sure.

Small Update: Done with Meds

I finished my IV meds on Tuesday night. Thank goodness! I went for a checkup last week, and my doctor felt it best to continue for a third week. It was not exactly what I wanted to do, but I understood the reasoning behind it and it did make sense. But still, not exactly fun. It's so nice to get back to normal life. I'm back to work, which I'm actually very glad about. It gets boring, not working. The days start to run together, filled with TV shows, movies, games, a few productive bursts, but a very loose structure. It's also nice to be able to have caffeine again; I really started to miss my coffee variety. I could drink decaf, but here at our house we keep about 2-4 coffees on hand at one time so we can rotate what we make. Only being able to drink one decaf flavor got boring. I can also enjoy a soda while dining out if I'd like to, and it doesn't have to be Sprite. And I can enjoy a beer again! Or wine!

An easier stay

I'm back home from the hospital already! Actually, I came home this past Friday.

Fortunately, this time the bacteria in my lungs came back sensitive to drugs that I was not allergic to, which elicited a huge WOOOOO from me when I heard that news. God I was glad to avoid the ICU this time. Since I'm not allergic to them, and therefore less likely to have any issues arise, Jarrod and I are much more comfortable with me coming home sooner than I would have other times when I usually stay at the hospital for a week, then do the remaining week at home.

So I came home Friday. Jarrod came and picked me up after work, then we had to decide where to grab dinner. Ah, non-hospital food again... I chose Panda Express, and that was a huge—excuse me, 'yuge—mistake. It was the longest wait we have ever had at a Panda Express, Jarrod stood in line for over 30 minutes. Turns out it was a school fundraiser night, and there were many people inside ordering food to take home (why they didn't just go thru the drive-thru, I have no idea.) Anyways, we finally got done there and got home around 8:30.

Since then things have been going fine, but it is still a jam-packed day fitting everything in that I need to do. I have to keep myself in check before time slips away since I have to run my IV meds for about 1.5-2 hours at 6am, 2pm, and 10pm, do four 30-minute treatments, plus eat, plus walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes... it's a lot. And that is why I no longer even try to work while doing all this. The focus needs to be on me getting better, and it would be nearly impossible to keep up with all of that and add work on top of it.

I think I'm finally turning a corner, it seems to take about a week before I really start to notice big changes. I started feeling a bit better as early as last Thursday, but it wasn't dramatic. Today I am feeling a very noticeable difference. I'm coughing less and my shortness of breath is improving, which was the big issue I was having prior to doing this.

Time again

It's time for a hospital stay for me. I'm not doing the best right now. Actually let me rephrase: my lungs are in a terrible state right now. My numbers are the lowest they've been in a long time. I am out of breath frequently, and the crazy part is it has actually improved a little since mid-December. But it's still bad. But walking across my house, depending how quickly I walk, can leave me gasping for air.

My brother-in-law gets married this weekend, so I've been trying to hold out for that. But I can't hold out any longer. I will be going in immediately after.

Here's hoping it's a fairly typical stay, with no surprises or huge issues.

Turtles

As far back as I can remember, I have always liked turtles. I'm not sure why, I can't explain it. And if the Buddhists' version of creation is correct, I was probably a turtle in a previous life.

But now I've realized just how perfect it is for me to love turtles.

In July, I had a nurse while I was in the hospital named Mihiri. She was originally from Sri Lanka. I had her as my day nurse for 5 days, so we got to know each other. I thought she was quite funny, and she was a good nurse. I think she enjoyed me as a patient too, because after the first couple days we would usually chat a little bit when she had to come in my room. She appreciated me being so involved in my care and asking questions. One day when my doctor was in the hall after just leaving my room, I remembered something. I called out there, she was still there, and told her a prescription we forgot to discuss. Mihiri commented, to my doctor, "Isn't she good? I love it, I love how she is not afraid to speak up and be involved." My doctor agreed, and said it was unfortunately rare.

So every time I go in the hospital, I take my stuffed animal turtle Bernie. He's the perfect size and shape that he feels like hugging a little pillow. I've had Bernie for... a long time. I can't remember what year it was, but it was the first time I had to be hospitalized at Cardinal Glennon. We had just switched doctors, because our insurance would no longer cover Children's Hospital, so I was a bit down about being in a new place with new doctors (new everyone, really) and on top of that I was sick enough to go in the hospital. The gift shop, at the time, was a tiny room on the way to the cafeteria. Mom, dad, and me went down there to get some food and I commented how cute that turtle was high on a shelf in the window.

Well, sometime later, my parents surprised me with a gift bag... they had bought me that turtle in the window. I named him Bernie and he's been my "hospital buddy" ever since.

Mihiri really liked my turtle, which I usually keep at the foot of my bed during the day; he fits perfectly down there and is out of the way. She was commenting about it and was saying "No, I'm serious. I really think I want to get one for my daughter." Her daughter, she had told me the day before, had graduated college and lived in Maryland. "It would be a nice little gift, just a little something different. A nice reminder 'Slow and steady.'" she said.

I can't get those words out of my head.

What a perfect motto for my life's journey with CF. When I get sick, it's a serious thing, and it's a long, slow battle back to health. Exercising... another great example. On Monday, I had a really hard time walking on the treadmill. It was discouraging. Tuesday was a little better, but I was really huffing and puffing trying to walk at a good 2.7 mph speed. Then yesterday: bam! I could walk 3.0 mph and I was NOT totally beat by the end of it. Slow and steady...

This is also kind of topical as the Olympics were this year. No athlete who went there magically became good at their sport overnight, or quickly. It took years and years of slow progress to get to where they are.

I'm dealt with setbacks all the time. It is SO hard to see the big picture sometimes and see that yes, I'm doing better than I was 3 years ago, and that that's a good thing to focus on. But I have to stick with my treatments, I have to exercise, there are no shortcuts for any of this. Because sure enough, slowly and steadily, I can continue to improve or at the very least maintain my health. I saw the best lung function numbers I've seen in years back in February. I could reach that again sometime.

Slow and steady...

Bernie.